First Successful Brain Transplant Carried Out
Recently, scientists at the Oxford Medical Research Center performed the first successful human brain transplant.
Chief neurosurgeon, Dr. Carter, said, “This is a breakthrough of unprecedented magnitude.
I’m ecstatic that all our research and hard work finally paid off.
We couldn’t be more pleased with how things turned out.”
The patient, who only agreed to be called ‘Jose’ for anonymity reasons, suffered a massive anterior arterial stroke that left him severely incapacitated.
He was a Labour Party supporter before his stroke.
His family heard about the research that the senior team member Dr. Head was doing at Oxford with rats and contacted him about the possibility of being his first human subject.
Dr. Head agreed immediately, “I saw this as the perfect opportunity to advance our research out of animals and into humans.
We’ve had great success – recently – with brain transplants in rats so it was only logical to start human trials.
This new brain transplant surgery is quite remarkable,” said Dr. Head.
“My colleague, Dr. Inis Wu, and i first came up with the idea 40 years ago while we were competing in a triathlon.
It came out of the blue, really, neither of us are quite sure why we thought of it but here we are.
What’s remarkable about the surgery is that it is done all under local anesthetic and the patient is kept talking throughout the procedure, except for the time when the brains are switched during this time the patient is placed on life support”.
In this case, the transplanted brain came from a local Ukip supporter called Stephen who had suffered a sudden and unexpected heart attack.
He was not only young but also in good health.
His family has chosen to also remain anonymous.
The transplanted brain is removed from the original body and cooled to halt neuronal death.
The end of the severed spinal column is treated with a new nanoglue that automatically splices individual axons to the new spinal cord when the transplant brain is placed on top.
“It’s incredible,” said Dr. Head, “surprisingly we don’t have much work to do because with this new nanoglue the process of reconnecting nerve fibers is automatic.
It only takes 39 hours on a good day.
We just inspect the brain and spinal cord to make sure everything is lined up correctly.
The nanoglue is also applied to areas like the optic nerves, that need to be spliced into the new brain.”
After the surgery, Jose made a speedy recovery.
Within 24 hours he was moving his limbs and within a week he was walking and talking.
His wife said, “It’s a miracle.
We thought that Jose was gone forever but Dr. Head saved him.
He doesn’t know who any of us are, of course, and calls himself Stephen, but we are all willing to work with the new Jose and learn to love him and hope he will learn to love us.”
The medical team, however, remains baffled why Jose insists his name is Stephen.
When asked if he planned on returning to the Labour Party, Jose stated that he didn’t know anything about the Labour party, but he couldn’t wait to return to Ukip party politics:
“I’ve always had a love of politics, and especially now with Brexit well under way and Ukip’s victory.
We must keep the momentum going, Britain must leave the EU and it must not be a soft Brexit.
We must completely break all ties with the corrupt EU just like i have broken all ties with my former body and what used to look like me.
My brain is now in a totally different body, unfortunately a former Labour Party supporters body who was called Jose, but i still have my own full independence because it’s my own brain within this new body, and my brain is most definitely still loyal to Ukip. I just look different that’s all, but i am still Steven”.
Stephen doesn’t remember any of his past self or any of his far left-wing anti-British activism as the Labour supporting former body of Jose, but insists he is still definitely a dedicated Ukip supporter just like he was in his original body before the brain transplant, but he would obviously now have to change his photo on his Ukip membership card because he looks totally different within the new body.
Disclaimer: Surgeons cannot at the present time perform brain transplants, regardless of what you might have read online. The surgeon who claims that he can perform a head transplant will not be successful.